I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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