Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
is wine microwaveable?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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