i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
