My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
