What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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