you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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