You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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