is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
