evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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