I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
