I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
