Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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