cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize