is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
