curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I need water and some morals
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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