I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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