im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
