just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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