why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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