thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
My liver just broke up with me...
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
