her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
