I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
