tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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