I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I need a burrito and a hug.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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