dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
even my farts smell like vagina
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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