Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Too much gin, very little bucket
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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