She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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