he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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