I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
