My room smells like vodka and shame
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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