It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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