I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
His nipple licking is glorious
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