me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
