i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
