i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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