I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
