Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
