my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
