I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm like, not good at living.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
