I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
