just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
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