How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
