Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
