You just made me feel so damn special
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
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