In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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