no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
