A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
