first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
