I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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