Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
