Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
When did angry sex become our thing?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
