im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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