I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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