i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
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