Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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