I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Randomize
