Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
